Written By: Turd Ferguson
11/28/06
Beerbongit.com Bowling looses league lead and is now in last!
This team sucks I dont even want to write about them this week.
Adam quotes, "you are either first or your last baby, and we are last."
Matt says, " I just dont know whats going on, I have this bowling injury and I suck. Thats about it, the only good thing going on is the cherry bombs we get, but Jimmy can't even keep that going for us. He puss's out half way through the night because he has to drive, even though we have team designated driver Timbo Jones. But nooooo Jimmy has to go to his Girlfriends house...screw him."
Written By: Turd Ferguson
11/21/06
Turd Ferguson takes off for Thanksgiving
Written By: Turd Ferguson
11/14/06
Beerbongit.com Bowling Threatens To Pull Out of the Garbage League!
Upon entering the not too classy run down bowling alley on Monday, beerbongit.com bowling discovered that without the permission of beerbongit.com bowling president Timbo Jones, “Team 1” (the insiders who have leeway with the league) decided that the pre determined set upon league needed to be changed to the unusual format of adding 2 more bowlers to the league and changing the team format from 5 bowlers per team to the unusual jack ass standards (Union Grove Bowl) of having 4 teams of 3 people each. Beerbongit.com bowling was outraged at this upsetting news and could never seem to settle the steam in their little fist’s of fury.
We happened to catch a few words from the out spoken Co-Owner of beerbongit.com Jimmy “ Fuckin” Wienke ; “Jimmy what outlook do you see for your team in the future here at Union Groves run down shit hole?” “ Well Turd, your real name is Turd isn’t it? ( After replying to Jimmy that my real name is in fact Turd, he angrily answered) All I want to know is what circus clown authorized the reformat of the league. Team 1 thinks they run the show but those bitches need to realize that we will pull our troops out of this so called league (A league that consists of only two teams) and the fucker will be shut down. Lets face some facts here Turd burglar, I mean Turd, our team is the only thing holding this league together. You know it. I know it. Everyone in this dump knows it. I’m out smokey.” Wow! Some impressive and shocking words from a very angry ELF!
As for the actual bowling that took place; Beerbongit.com bowling could never really find their grove after the upsetting news. Although we don’t actually know who won, since Team 1 had 6 bowlers score, all we can say is that it was not a very impressive night. Adamo led the team with the high score and the X-shark is on the up rise a little bit from “the flounder.”
As for myself this may be the last article you read while I’ve covered the famous beerbongit.com bowling team. Only the big trash mountain of a bowling alley Old Settlers holds the fate for the ever so lousy Monday night league
Written By: Turd Ferguson
11/08/06
TJ Carries Team As The Team Struggles
Week 5 for Beerbongit.com Bowling was a productive week yet a sad week at the same time. The team was carried by Timbo Jones, who prior to this week was the fourth best bowler on the team. Matt Johnson bowled an average night which helped Beerbongit.com Bowling to rain once again as victorious. Jimmy, Adam, and Jeremy ( X-Shark) all had a very disappointing night. Adam and Jimmy couldn’t seem to find the middle of the lane, although everyone else in the building could clearly see where the middle of the lane was, these clowns seemed to be aiming for the gutter. Beerbongit.com Bowling president Timbo Jones had a few words for these lows; “ How hard is it to throw a straight ball? Honestly? All you have to do is look at the center pin and throw the ball. I was expecting more from Adam since he came off his best week of his life. As for Jimmy, how much is there to say about a guy who steals a house bowling ball?
Beerbongit.com Bowling won all three games by a slim margin. Two out of the three games were decided in the 10th frame. Jeremy Maginn carried a league high average of 164 into week 5. For the third week in a row Nnigam had an all time low. Failing to break 100 one game and barely breaking 100 another game. When we asked Jeremy of his last three weeks performances here’s what he had to say; “ I’m getting tired of winning in life. I’ve been a winner my whole life. If there’s anything I would want to be a winner in it certainly wouldn’t be in this junk Monday night bowling league. The calls have stopped coming in for endorsements and I have had to sell my Porsche due to these last three week lows. The only thing I can think of to do after a night like tonight is get a hooker.”
Written By: Turd Ferguson
10/30/06
Beerbongit Bowling Whoops Some Ass
Week 4 for Beerbongit.com Bowling turned out to be their best week yet. With an astonisting three game dominating victory of 200 pins or more in each game. Adam Anderson had nothing but good graces for beerbongit.com bowling; " We sure whooped some ass this week! I had the series of my life tonight with a 499. Matt Johnson also followed up the rear with a 481. Unfortunatly bowlers Jim, Tim, and the X-Shark Jeremy Maginn had a very disappointing night. We interviewed Jeremy asking him why he did so bad. He said, "This interview is over" and punched me in the face. A win is still a win though right?
The X-Shark got a new ball and thought it would help his league leading average of 175.... he was dead wrong. This new ball did nothing but fluster and confuse the flounder to his all time low. Team President Tim Riegert had a few things to say about this performance; " Jeremy really needs to step it up. As team captain he should be leading the team but seems to be on a two week bender. All the fame and fortune is really getting to his already big head. His talks of leaving the team for a bigger sponser have stopped since his average the last two weeks have been piss poor. As for Matt and Adam on this great night of bowling BBI is going to take them out on the town for some gambling and strippers. The X-shark, Jimmy, and Myself being excluded for such a shitty performance. The three of us will probably just get together and watch old re-runs of cops. God I love those white trash idiots on that show."
Written By: Turd Ferguson
10/23/06
Drunk Fan Causes Riot At Old Settlers
Week three for Beerbongit Bowling turned out to be the most depressing thing I've seen since the 04 elections. The team started out on the rocks getting their asses handed to them by 70 pins in the first game. After that beating the team had a meeting and I happened to catch an interview with the shark shortly after; " We need to step it up because Beerbongit.com is threatening to pull our sponsorship. These new shirts we got have everyone's mindset off of bowling. Yea we look like pimps and Hoes (Jimmy Weinke) but we're bowling like shit! Timbo Jones is over there with his new Bugs Bunny "fag ball" acting like he is king of the castle. Let me tell you something TJ; You have to step it up a notch over that measly 121 game you just bowled to be considered the king of anything. I seen 12 year olds laughing in the arcade about the wimpy 12lb size of that ball. "
Things only got worse for Beerbongit Bowling. A star strucken fan happened to show up at the bowling alley with a great stench of Jack Daniels and cigarettes. He heckled the Beerbongit Bowling team for the next two games. The second game seemed to be a promising game for Beerbongit Bowling team with the 100 pin handicap made up for in the first five frames. And that's when the heckler stared his taunts. We asked Matt Johnson what he thought of all this, " This drunken hillbilly needs to go back to the inbred household which he came from. Our team is having trouble focusing on bowling with this knobs loud mouth remarks and taunts of being a redneck cowboy." Beerbongit Bowling ended up barely winning the second game.
The third game proved to be the worst game of the season for all 5 of Beerbongit Bowling's members. The shark, soon to be known as "the flounder," had a depressing 110. Jimmy Weinke said, " The heckler sure had the sharks number tonight. After the game you might see some fireworks in the parking lot between these two. The shark is fired up about the drunken hecklers remarks about being able to take him one on one in a bowling match." Beerbongit Bowling ended up winning the third game but losing the series of total pins. This was the biggest upset since Buster Douglas knocked out Mike Tyson! Sure enough after the third game in the parking lot the heckler caused an all out brawl! The streets of Union Grove turned into a riot and four towns police stations we called to help clear up the dispute. The only one ticketed was the drunken heckler for being underage.
Written By: Turd Ferguson
10/16/06
Rough Night for Beerbongit Bowling
The outlook for week two was very high with the team coming off a dominating week one performance but that wasn't the case. Beerbongit bowling barely pulled off a victory. We interviewed Beerbongit.com owner Adam Anderson and he didn't have many nice things to say; " We did horrible tonight. It looked as if we were up all night in a titty bar hung-over. Tim Riegert is on the edge of being demoted from team president. Barely breaking 100 in two of the three games is un-acceptable. I don't know what that jackass was thinking pulling out the tornado in the 10th frame of a game that we were on the brink of losing. Matt Johnson was no better dropping 40 pins from his average. He needs to step it up if he wants a contract in his future. We're lucky we have the league leading shark Jeremy Maginn to carry the team."
Everything started good for the shark but it didn't end that way. Jeremy Maginn had another league leading game with a 210. This game followed another high game of 194. What happened next was almost as depressing as the Bears game last night; Jeremy Maginn followed this game with a career low 124. Jim Weinkee almost choked a bitch when he was asked about Jeremy's follow up game to a 210. " I don't know what happened to that cocky SOB. He must have gotten caught up in the hype of Ferrari's and fame that has surrounded him since this league started. It gets annoying after a while when we have to keep stopping the game for him to sign autographs and I think that's going to his head. We're having a team meeting tomorrow to figure all this bull out."
Written By: Turd Ferguson
10/9/06
Beerbongit.com Bowling Tears Up The Monday Night League
On the 9th day in October 5 low class civilians entered a bowling league in Union Grove Wisconsin and recorded their first victory as a team. We interviewed team captain and league leading individual Jeremy Maginn who recorded a 591 series; "Jeremy what outlook do you have for your team (Beerbongit.com Bowling)?" "I see our team at the top of this bowling league and never looking back. This league is just a starter for us; you will see us on TV winning the Vegas Open Next November. And that's a guarantee!" Big words from a strong bowler!
The night was filled with high hopes and shaky frames for some of the beerbongit.com Bowlers. Jimmy Weinke and Adam Anderson could never seem to find their groove. Although the lanes were slicker then what the team was used to, the Beerbongit.com Bowling team pulled out a victory in the end and that's all that matters. We spoke with the president of Beerbongit.com Bowling Tim Riegert and here's what he had to say; "We had a rough start tonight but we pulled together as a team and recorded a victory. A wins a win and that's all that matters! Jeremy Maginn was sitting on his couch scratching his balls when I called him earlier today, and I asked him if he wanted to be part of this dynamic team. He said sure why not he had nothing better to tonight since 7 Mile Fair was closed today. That phone call was the best phone call of my life. He nearly pulled a 600 series out of his ass. That is almost unheard of in this garbage league. He is just an all around athlete. The sky is the limit for this team and I see us walking away with this league as well as an increase in beer bong sales online."